2023-09-25 ―― 一体、父は、どのように、このような『地獄の日々』をすごしてきたのだろうか [長年日記]

―― 親父にもっと話を聞いておけばよかったな

"I should have talked to my dad more."


I remember my late father.


I am currently experiencing ongoing mental illness.


According to my self-analysis, the leading causes are (1) task overflow and (2) fear of not being able to see the goal of the task.



My father started his own woodworking company at an age slightly younger than me, and from my point of view, he continued to suffer the 'hell of subcontractors.'

金策、不渡り、暴力団からの恫喝、連鎖倒産、関連会社社長夫妻の自殺 ―― そこには、私などの状況とは比べるべくもない『地獄』がありました。

Money laundering, dishonoring, threats from gangsters, chain-reaction bankruptcies, and the suicides of the president of an affiliated company and his wife - there was a "hell" that could not be compared to my situation.


There must have been more horrendous "hells" than this since there were so many stories just from what I can see.


I hate those who shout "start a business" quickly or encourage people to do so.


Excerpt from "Mr. Ebata's DIY Struggle: Building a Home Security System with EtherCAT (4)


When I was a freshman in college, my father's woodworking company, which he had started, was hit by a chain reaction bankruptcy. The couple behind the bankruptcy were driven into a corner by the Yakuza, and after escaping their sons, they committed suicide together. At that time, I was prepared to drop out of college.


For those who believe that "entrepreneurs are properly protected according to the law," I suggest you take a moment to examine the violent apparatus of the underworld and the composition of suicides in Japan.

私が覚えている限り、単に「失敗すれば終わり」 ―― で済ましてくれるほど、世の中は優しくなかったですよ。

As far as I can remember, the world has not been so kind to us as to let us "fail and it's over."



I am confident that if I were faced with such a "hell," I would easily jump over mental illness and commit suicide.

―― 一体、父は、どのように、このような『地獄の日々』をすごしてきたのだろうか

"How in the world did my father go through these "hell days"? "


When I think about it like that, I have the biggest regret that I didn't get the know-how out of this precious person, saying, 'I wish I had talked to my father more and more.'

2023-09-24 しかし、一度も経験していないことを始めることは、誰にとっても、莫大なコスト(時間と努力)と恐怖とプレッシャーがかかるものです。 [長年日記]


I recently had the opportunity to speak with a student at the university.


Ebata: "I'll make the database quickly, and you can search it with SQL queries easi..."


I was about to say that. However, I had to stop myself.


Ebata: "Yes, SQL is not easy. Until you get used to it, it is difficult, troublesome, and hard. So I think you should get used to it little by little."


I reiterated.



Do not simply say 'easy' to others, even if you can do it yourself.


Unsurprisingly, what we are working on is easy for us.


However, starting something you have never experienced is an enormous cost (time and effort), fear, and pressure.



I have told you before what I "did" on this matter.

If you search "Ebata, patents, power harassment," you'll get hits on this page and others.

2023-09-23 ―― 太宰や芥川の文庫本を、読みかけのようにして、リビングの床に落しておくだけ [長年日記]


Yesterday, I found "Shirobanba" by the late Yasushi Inoue on the shelves of the city library.


"Shirobanba," "Natsukaso Fuyutoto," and "Kita no Umi" are autobiographical novels about the author's teenage years


When I was in junior high school, I loved to read these books when classes ended on Saturday mornings, buy ingredients for my cooking at the market, cook my favorite dishes, and eat them while I read the book.


Thinking back, I feel like I lived my teen years as if I were superimposing on the main character.


I think this book made me think, "Studying may be good," "School dormitory may be good," and "If I go on to higher education, I may have fun.



I picked up "Shirobanba" and re-read the paraphrase and was surprised at its "readability.

フレーズの長さ、改行の入れかた、物語の登場人物の台詞の内容 ―― いわゆる「ラノベ」と言われているものの基本的技巧が満載で、驚きました。

The length of phrases, the way line breaks are inserted, and the content of the character's dialogue in the story -- I was surprised to find that the book is full of the basic techniques of what is called "Ranobe" (Light Novel).


I also like that the books by the late Yasushi Inoue are "non-preachy."


The stories are developed without 'ups and downs' or 'shades of gray' and are easy to read.


By the way, I recently wrote about "Mark's Mountain."


I have only one experience, a 5-day traverse of the Kita-Hotaka-Yari route, and then one experience of climbing Mt.Fuji.


Even so, I feel that the reason I decided to attempt mountaineering was that I was influenced by the late Yasushi Inoue's "Hokuheki(North cliff)."

読書は、単なる娯楽として楽しめば十分なのですが、ティーンの頃に読んだ本は、その後の人生にも影響を与えやすい ―― のかもしれません。

It is enough to enjoy reading as a mere pastime, but the books you read as a teen are likely to impact the rest of your life -- maybe.



So, teenagers.


Perhaps teachers and parents have had the same experience I have had. Hence, they might loudly repeat, 'Read a book.'


I know it sounds annoying, but "adults are 'creatures that feel comfortable just watching a child read a book.'"



―― 太宰や芥川の文庫本を、読みかけのようにして、リビングの床に落しておくだけ

"Drop a paperback book by Dazai or Akutagawa on the living room floor as if you were to continue to read it."

で、多分、皆さんのご両親は、ご機嫌になります ―― 多分。

If so, your parents will be in a good mood -- maybe.

2023-09-22 ―― メンタル不調は、報告しにくい [長年日記]

I have always told my family, "It's too late when the pain is 100%. 'Scream' when it's 70%."


And this time, my wife, who couldn't bear to see my mental illness, kept saying repeatedly, 'You should report this to your boss as soon as possible.


Well, I thought it was too "irresponsible" and "cowardly" for me to "talk a lot to people but not shout myself," so I reported this to my supervisor during the interview.


Now, I am a bit, relieved.



Well, I found out when it was my turn,

―― メンタル不調は、報告しにくい

"Difficult to talk to others about one's mental health problems"



First, it is "embarrassing.


Reporting my mental illness to a younger boss takes a lot of courage.


My boss, who is younger than me, is better than me.


There was also concern about whether such a talented person could understand "mental illness."


Second, it is "out of character for me (Ebata).


Even I, who usually criticize the government, bureaucrats, and companies in my blog and columns in a pompous manner, feel a 'gap' when I talk about this "mental illness."


This feeling in a word is,

―― どの口が言ってやがる

"Who the hell do you think you are?"



And the biggest reason is that mental illness is difficult to verbalize.


"I feel continual depression," "I feel anxious," "I can't sleep at night and wake up soon after sleeping," "I feel tired and have a slight fever throughout the day," "I have no appetite," "I don't feel motivated."


And above all, it is tough to explain 'the most challenging part is not knowing how long this condition will last.


The above are 'objective facts' but sound 'subjective' when uttered.



I am an engineer myself, so I have done a lot of research on mental illness.


On top of that, I was astonished to find that even after trying everything suitable for mental illness, such as rest, food, and mood swings, however, this situation still did not improve much.

私の十八番のエンジニアリングアプローチが通用しない ―― メンタル不調、恐るべし

My best engineering approach doesn't work ---- Horrible mental illness


I became acutely aware of the "inaccessibility" of this mental illness.



This time, I decided to explain to my supervisor that I was "going to the hospital" and that I was "prescribed stabilizers and sleeping pills," adding the obvious "objective facts."


In my case, I think I have successfully made my boss understand.


After all, my boss and I are both engineers, and I realize that the language between engineers is, after all, "objective fact.


After that, I was considered for the content and quantity of my work, and now I feel that I am gradually recovering from my mental illness, which is a bit of a relief.


Nevertheless, I try to stay on top of my health, my physical condition, and my mental health.



It is said that reporting, contacting, and consulting (horenso) are essential for mental illness.

ただ、多くの場合、この「ほうれんそう」は、本人の健康管理をおもんばかる体裁を装いつつ、結局のところ企業や組織の理論で書かれている ―― そんな感じがしています。

However, in many cases, this "horenso" is written under the guise of caring for the individual's health care but ultimately based on the theory of the company or organization -- such is the feeling I get.


Regardless, reporting a mental illness of mine was itself frighteningly difficult.

普段、えらそうにしている私(江端)ですら ―― というか、私だからこそ ―― 『はずかしい』『キャラ外れ』『言語化困難』の前に、怯(ひる)んでいました。

Even I (Ebata), who usually makes such a big deal out of it... No, it is this me... was intimidated by the "embarrassing," "out-of-character," and "difficult to verbalize" comments.



I understand the feeling of 'I want to get over my mental illness alone without saying anything to anyone.


And it is easy to guess that many people do so and take no action.

なぜ、私(江端)は、そう言い切れるのか? ―― 自死の半数近くが、メンタル不調を起因とするものであり、その人数が驚くほど多いからです。

Why can I (Ebata) say that? -- Because nearly half of all suicide deaths are caused by mental illness, the number is astonishingly high.

And -- I know all too well that mental illness can lead to suicide with surprising ease.

2023-09-21 つまるところ、『自分は、流れる川の中に浮ぶ、落葉のような存在だ』と諦めるしかないようです。 [長年日記]


I believe the desire for self-approval is a desire to stand out.


I think it is a natural emotion to want to show that you are different from others and to be recognized for who you are.


However, there are situations in which one does not want to "stand out."



You may receive unexpected and overdue recognition for what you have done in a long life.


That in itself is fine.


The problem is that people from all walks of life will come to us for consultations, it becomes known.


You may feel that since it is called "consultations," you have the right to choose. However, it becomes a de facto "order in business matters.


Even if you are short on time, "work orders" will be added, and others will eat up your mental and physical resources. It is "annoying."


However, it is also true that if these consultations do not come to us, it will be challenging to dig in and expand on what we want to do, so it is "troubling" that there are no such consultations.


「目立ちたいこと」と、「目立ちたくないこと」を、自分自身でコントロールできれば良いのですが、これがなかなかに難しい―― というか、不可能です。

It would be nice to control what we "want to stand out" and what we "don't want to stand out," but this is quite complex - or, rather, impossible.


Ultimately, it seems we have no choice but to resign ourselves to the fact that "I am like a falling leaf floating in a flowing river.

2023-09-20 ―― 驚くことに、あの学校は組織的な"ジャニーズ(児童性虐待)"をしていました。 [長年日記]

As mentioned above, I will leave a summary for future me to remember.


(1) There was an entertainment company called "Johnny's" that kept a lifelong sexual predator at the top.


(2) With that person's death, his crime has finally come to light.


(3) the entertainment company has indicated that it will not voluntarily close its business and will continue to do so.


(4) At this time, they also plan to keep the name "Johnny's."



I have no interest in "Johnny's" office, so I don't care what that office chooses to do.




(1) Voluntary closure of business,


(2) Establish a third-party victim relief organization,


(3) All retained assets are allocated to pay for victims' relief, and the balance is used as a fund for relief organizations.


I wonder why the natural process flow, which is "the best way to do it," is not presented at all.



One of my predictions is


In the future, the term "Johnny's" will be used to mean "child sexual abuse.


Just as the English words "Karoshi" (death from overwork) and "Tsunami" (tsunami) have spread around the world,

―― 驚くことに、あの学校は組織的な"ジャニーズ(児童性虐待)"をしていました。

"The school, to our surprise, had an organized Johnny's"


This is a future in which the term will be used around the world.


It may be that we will contribute "something" to the world.

ともあれ、私の頭の中では「ジャニーズ = 児童性虐待」で、変換登録完了済みです。

I think "Johnny's = child sexual abuse," and the conversion is already registered.

2023-09-19 このドキュメンタリーは、シミュレーションエンジニアとしての、今の私を作ったコンテンツの一つです。 [長年日記]


This content I have identified as the best in NHK Specials and that has not been renewed since then,

The Cuban Crisis [October Nightmare: 13 Days on the Edge of Doom]"


is now available on YouTube.

This documentary is one of the contents that made me who I am today as a simulation engineer.

2023-09-18 自分の髪型に1mmのこだわりもなく、ただ、うっとうしい髪をとっとと処分したいだけ人には、「バリカン」の利用をご提案したいと思います。 [長年日記]


When my hair exceeds a certain length, I suddenly start to feel annoyed with my head of hair.


These days, however, I can't even spare the time to go to the barber.


Even barbershops that sell short-time, low-cost services can take less than an hour if you include waiting time, and even there, it is a hassle to go out to the barbershop.

And so, well, I ended up in this kind of situation.


However, this haircut was not well received by the family.

毎朝、嫁さんや娘がギョっとした顔をします ―― まあ、私も毎日、鏡の中に「東京裁判審理中の東条英機元首相」の姿を見ることになりましたが。

Every morning, my wife and daughter look at me with gawk -- well, I also see the image of "former Prime Minister Hideki Tojo during the Tokyo Tribunal proceedings" in the mirror every day.


So, I have recently stopped wearing a "round haircut" and returned to a "sports haircut," but it is still a hassle to go to the barber.



I bought a clipper.


Well, the cost of two barbershops will pay for itself, and since I am not looking for "beauty" in hairdressing in the first place, this is good enough for me.


Also, with the attached comb, you can leave a certain amount of hair in place, which is not a problem.


I stripped down to my top, went out into the yard, and after trimming my hair with clippers at random and shaking it off, I went straight to the bathroom.


Only the back of my head is invisible, so I asked my wife to cut off the hair with scissors, but I would like to do something about this on my own.



For those who are not particular about their hairstyle and want to get rid of their annoying hair as soon as possible, I suggest using "hair clippers.

2023-09-17 世界中の全ての人間が、私のような『ぼっち』になって、孤独、孤立がデフォルトの世界になれば、みんな、孤独や孤立を感じない世界として完成する。 [長年日記]


There is a limit to what I can do on my own.


So, to accomplish something big, we need to build a team and work together.


However, I am not good at building a team and working together.


So, I am resigned that I will not be able to accomplish great things.


Hence, I am doing "what I alone can do."


これからは、そういう新しい行動様式や価値観が、従来の価値観に対抗する形で、力強く立ち上がってくるだろう ―― と、この3年間のコロナ禍中で思い続けてきました。

From now on, such new behaviors and values will rise strongly in opposition to conventional values -- I have continued to think this during the past three years of the Corona disaster.

上位下達、業務命令とは異なる新しい社会 ―― 人間関係が"疎"結合で結びついた、自律した個人からなる分散社会が到来するだろう、と。

A new society is different from the one based on superiors, subordinates, and business orders - a decentralized community of autonomous individuals with "loosely" coupled human relationships will arrive.


However, the world seemed more resilient than I had thought.

もっと分かりやすく言えば ――

To put it more simply--


If every human being in the world becomes 'alone' like me, and loneliness and isolation become the default, we will all complete the world as a world where we do not feel lonely and isolated.


Such is the fact that utopia for me, and dystopia for many, was unfortunately not materialized.

2023-09-16 『私たちは、これからも未来予測を"外し"続けていく』で良いのです。 [長年日記]


I also do "writer," writing columns with numbers.


I try not to "use" the latest news when using media news.


I do not start writing about current news until it has been summarized (e.g., aired as an NHK special).

恣意的、感情的、誘導的に記載されている記事は、数字と相性が悪いのです ―― 矛盾が多すぎる。

Articles that are arbitrary, emotional, and inductive are not compatible with the numbers -- there are too many inconsistencies.


Also, the calculations are time-consuming and, in the first place, because only bits and pieces of information are available to give a complete picture. The bottom line is, "I can't write."



Well, I have made many predictions, but many have "missed" as well.


I believe that is something that cannot be helped.


The future is a mixture of various unpredictable factors.


It is, well, impossible to consider them all and make predictions.


All I can do is plug in the past data and predict future points in the extension.


However, I have been and will continue to be forthcoming about what I consider "off" in my columns.


I don't know what others think, but it is not "shameful" for me.



In light of the above, I would expect those who have discussed the following issues to summarize them now.

■ TPPによって、我が国の経済は破綻すると主張していた方

- Those who claimed that the TPP would bankrupt our economy.

■ 地球温暖化は、幻想(あるいは、各国政府の陰謀)と論じていた方

- Those who have argued that global warming is an illusion (or a conspiracy by governments)


I do not mean to be rude, saying that they should change their assertions or self-criticize. I want to ask them to


(1)Organize the current status at this time


(2)Changes from the original claim


(3) Further future projections




We will continue to "miss" future predictions.


What is important are,


(A) Identification of "what was missed" and


(B) "Reasons for the missed" and


(C) "Reasons for the removal" are to be examined regularly,


I believe that this is the most essential part of the process.


Well, this is what we call an 'engineering approach.'