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2023-09-14 "If I have to think about what happens after I escape, it would be easier to die" [長年日記]

The young doctor committed suicide after "working 100 consecutive hours and over 200 hours of overtime per month".

Many may think, "Why don't you just quit being a doctor rather than commit suicide?" but they don't understand this issue.

That much, of course, Anyone knows in their head.

However, for those in a mentally driven state, thinking about "after quitting the doctor" is already hellishly painful.

To be 'unable to see the future' is scarier than death.

For example, I am such a chicken that when I get stuck and "lose sight" of all three parallel jobs, I want to flee to my "death."

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Perhaps this is due to their temperament and background.

For example, as a teenager, I was the student body president and was pampered (for a short period).

In addition, I was a bit of a smooth talker, so that I could get out of trouble quickly. So, I had the mistaken impression that maybe I was capable.

Of course, there are many people out there who are better and more capable than I am.

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Something I seem to have missed learning when I was a teenager,

(1) To complete failure and setback.

(2) And to run away without any shame.

These were not done correctly when I was young.

In other words, 'I never learned how to raise the white flag.

I suspect this is often the case with those called "elite" or "excellent."

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I am currently in a state of depression, so I am talking to my wife about 'how to raise the white flag (how to escape).''

My wife has told me that I can escape any way I want.

And just in case, I have multiple escape scenarios in my head.

However, the fear and bitterness of this disease lies in the fact that even after all this preparation, I still think

"If I have to think about what happens after I escape, it would be easier to die"